I Am A Big Girl

Fat. Blimp. Chunk. Chubby. Whale. Obese. Lazy. Ugly. These are all words people who don't know me use to describe because I am indeed a Big Girl.

I never had a problem with my weight growing up. I ate whatever I wanted through my teens and never gained weight. I was physically active but never belonged to a team sport.
In my twenties I went through 3 pregnancies and gained 50-60 lbs. with all three of my children. I was able to easily get back in shape after giving birth by breast feeding, walking, and saying no to seconds at dinner.

In 2010 I began going through a divorce and had very high anxiety and ate very little. For a while I dipped below the 100 pound mark. During that time, people would call me toothpick, twig, skeleton, and constantly tell me how tiny I was and that I needed to "eat a sandwich."

A year later, I began an intense work out routine. To battle my depression I was at the gym for a couple of hours a day. I began taking in healthy calories and gained muscle, and weight. I looked and felt sensational.

So what happened? How did I go from that girl to the Big Girl I am today?

A lot.

I developed bad habits. I began drinking alcohol and coffee and soda. I got married and gave up my gym time for time with my new husband. Not use to having to worry about what I ate, I just put whatever sounded good on my plate. And then would go back for more.

I also faced several health problems. I suffered from depression, ptsd from my previous marriage, and hormonal imbalance. This not only led to medications but also to emotional eating.

Now 3 years later, in 2015, I find myself 100 pounds over weight. One. Hundred. Pounds.

It's embarrassing. It's depressing and unhealthy and ugly. I rarely go out because I feel like people are staring at me, judging me...which are things I do to myself. I've had comments from essentially everyone I know about how attractive I USE to be, about the latest diet trend I should try, or worse. I hide in my house a lot and away from family and friends where I won't be seen.

I've known for a long time that I needed to do something about my weight problem but I was really good at excuses. I wasn't ready to change.

But now I am.

You know it's funny, I've heard the saying "Put your big girl panties on and deal with it" over and over again. But recently it meant something new to me. I realized I am a big girl. In both size and attitude. And I am ready to deal with it.

So here I am today. Ready. Determined. And publicly documenting my weight loss journey. What better way to be held accountable than sharing it with the world? I can't even go to the grocery store with out feeling ashamed and now I am going to blog about my weight? Omg! Breathe. I am a big girl and I can do this!!